


Decay and Transcendence

by petitecanard



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Divination, F/M, First War with Voldemort, Friendship, Good Narcissa Black Malfoy, Motherhood, Narcissa is a spy, Pureblood Society (Harry Potter), Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 01:41:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29270439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/petitecanard/pseuds/petitecanard
Summary: Narcissa looked up from the blanket and caught Gideon staring at her.“If you're double crossing us, Sirius will drown you in the Thames before I get a chance to draw my wand,” he said.Logically, Narcissa understood Gideon’s suspicion, but she was frustrated after months of trying to prove she was trustworthy. She stood up to leave. “Right. I look forward to telling the Dark Lord all about your collection of Muggle novels. He’ll be fascinated.”“I probably deserved that,” Gideon admitted. Narcissa blinked, surprised at the almost-apology. “I just don’t understand why you’re helping us.”Narcissa wasn’t about to describe her reasoning to Gideon. It was a mix of terrifying dreams, panic about her family, and an inability to imagine a happy future with Lucius.“I feel as if I don’t have a choice,” she settled on. “Now are we done or do you have other useless comments?”“Don’t worry. I’ll think of something else obnoxious for our next meeting.”“I can’t wait,” Narcissa said dryly.(Or, in 1977 Narcissa Malfoy starts spying for the Order of the Phoenix.)
Relationships: Narcissa Black Malfoy/Gideon Prewett
Comments: 23
Kudos: 32





	1. September - October 1977

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: for mentions of sexual harassment/groping/sexism in the story. If you come across anything else you think I should give a content warning for please tell me.

Every Sunday when Narcissa was a child, her Great Aunt Cassiopeia would attend family dinner at their country manor. Afterwards, Aunt Cassiopeia would guide Narcissa through the gardens and explain the uses of the herbs and flowers. On special summer evenings Narcissa would Floo to Aunt Cassiopeia’s cottage and devour Aunt Cassiopeia’s lessons about ancient witches and their almost-forgotten spells. 

Argumentative Bellatrix never listened to the stories. She was flashy and consumed with the search for power. Subtle magic held no appeal for Bellatrix. Andromeda sometimes joined them at the cottage, but only when she wanted to escape Bellatrix. 

Only Narcissa loved the detailed pictures in Aunt Cassiopeia’s ancient books. She adored pressing flowers and examining the crystals. When Aunt whispered about the power of magic that wasn’t contained to a wand, Narcissa felt a thrill.

What was taught at Hogwarts had been shaped by the tradition of Merlin more than the tradition of Morganna. There was so much more to magic than turning tea cups into toads.

Narcissa was hopeless at turning tea cups into toads. She could barely cast simple defensive spells. She was only slightly less hopeless at Charms. Aunt Cassiopeia smiled when Narcissa complained that Andromeda and Bellatrix impressed their Hogwarts teachers but Narcissa never could. Aunt Cassiopeia brought Narcissa back into the garden.

“You know these plants, Narcissa,” she had said, fingers brushing against lavender bush. “You can read the stars and see meaning in a pool ripple. You can make any potion you need because you understand the ingredients. What would happen if you took away your sisters’ wands? They would be crippled. You, my dear, have transcended your need for a wand.” 

Wands could be taken away. Witches couldn’t depend on something so easily controlled, 

Narcissa, at an early age, grew wary of men’s groping hands. Aunt Cassiopeia made an oil and drew runes on Narcissa’s body. “If they touch you without your permission, their hands will burn. The magic is all inside you, I’m helping you bring it out.”

In her Third Year, Narcissa started Divination and Aunt Cassiopeia said, “good, you will need it.” Narcissa wondered if Aunt Cassiopeia had Seen something. 

When Narcissa wasn’t practicing her Divination in her dorm room, she would sneak out of Hogwarts and wander in the Forbidden Forest for rare plants. After Aunt Cassiopeia died in Narcissa’s Sixth Year, Narcissa inherited her collection of dusty spell books and heirloom tarot cards. She brought the collection with her when she married Lucius directly after her Hogwarts graduation.

A month into their marriage Lucius found Narcissa wandering the grounds of Malfoy Manor during the first full moon Narcissa spent there. She had thought marrying Lucius and throwing herself into the role of Mrs. Malfoy would banish her pestering nightmares. 

The dreams had become worse. After waking up from a familiar scene of Sirius falling into a glimmer of a magical veil, Narcissa had decided to put her crystals under the full moon so they would absorb the energy of the moonlight. She was going to place them around the Manor for good luck. While tucking her crystals by a clump of begonias, Narcissa stared at the calm pond reflecting the moonlight. It was the perfect atmosphere for water scrying. 

Narcissa was sitting at the edge of the pond, focusing on the ripples of water and the shimmering moonlight when Lucius found her. 

“Darling,” he said, drowsy and confused. “What in Salazar’s name are you doing?”

Narcissa pressed her fingers into the dirt. “Water scrying.” She twisted around to look at Lucius. He was frowning. Narcissa had heard Lucius complain that Divination was all useless smoke and mirrors. He didn’t understand the ancient magic Aunt Cassiopeia had taught Narcissa.

“Come back to bed, Narcissa. You aren’t going to see anything in the pond.”

In the following years of their marriage, Narcissa tried to hide her tarot cards, crystal balls, and herbal mixtures from him. Still, Lucius sometimes found her making a tisane or examining her tarot cards. He grew more frustrated each time. 

On this warm autumn evening, Lucius found Narcissa again wandering the gardens under the full moon. Narcissa’s nightmares were so frequent now she was often too scared to fall asleep. Walking in the gardens once Lucius started snoring helped Narcissa clear her mind. 

“Stop this nonsense,” he snarled when he saw Narcissa sitting cross legged on fallen leaves under a tree. In her hand was her favorite crystal ball. Lucius sent a red spell towards it, making it disappear in her hand. Narcissa stared at him. She rarely saw him direct so much anger at her. Usually Narcissa played the part of the perfect woman Lucius had fallen love with. Her divination did not suit the pedestal Lucius had placed her on. 

Lucius grabbed Narcissa’s now empty hand and hauled her up from the ground. “I spend every day devoting myself to making a better world and you stare into useless crystals at nights. We need children, so you can occupy yourself better.” 

Narcissa was struck with dizzying déja vu as Lucius dragged her back towards the imposing Manor. She had been caught scrying at night before, by someone who had reacted much differently than Lucius. 

Narcissa remembered creeping back into Hogwarts after looking at her crystal ball in the clarity of the fall equinox. Terrified of being caught, Narcissa kept hiding in nooks when she heard noises. She stumbled behind a tapestry when she heard McGonogall’s voice. McGonogall was not forgiving of rule-breakers, Slytherins, or Divination. 

The niche behind the tapestry held someone else, someone who gripped Narcissa’s arm to stop her from instinctively propelling out of the tapestry’s protection when she stepped into him. 

Hyperaware of how close she was standing to the stranger, of how their chests were touching and how his warm hand was still gripping her upper arm, Narcissa’s heart sped up.

“Shhh, McGonogall will be gone in a moment,” the person said in an impossibly low whisper, his breath in her ear. 

Narcissa glanced up, startled at the voice’s familiarity. She had heard that voice shouting in the Great Hall. Narcissa was fairly tall, her stature willowy, but still she was only eye level with this man’s jawline. The shadowed architecture of the face, the scar right along his jaw, the slight stubble brought a realization to Narcissa. “Gideon Prewett?” 

“Quiet.”

Obediently Narcissa fell silent. In the dark, she had nothing to focus on but her breath and the way she and Gideon fit into the niche. Narcissa bit her lip. Dozens of girls at Hogwarts would take better advantage of hiding behind a tapestry at night with Gideon Prewett than Narcissa was. Accidental as the situation was, Lucius could never know about this.

When McGonogall’s sharp footsteps became louder both teenagers unwittingly moved closer. Narcissa pressed away from the sound and into Gideon, who put a hand on her waist to draw her closer. With Gideon’s breath light against her ear, Narcissa clenched her eyes shut, anxious at the thought of McGonogall finding them.

The steps passed, but Narcissa didn’t relax until Gideon finally removed his hands from her. “Good Godric, McGonogall would have strung me up if she found me out of bed again,” he said. 

“Sweet Morganna,” Narcissa breathed, shaky with nerves. She stepped away, turning to face Gideon.

“I didn’t know you were in the habit of creeping around at night and breaking the rules,” Gideon said. “Quite scandalous.”

Narcissa lifted her chin. “Hardly. What prank do I need to avoid to get back to my Common Room safely?”

Gideon grinned, unrepentant. His charming smile suited his overflowing charisma, but it made Narcissa nervous.“That’s for tomorrow night. Why is the bottom of your cloak dirty? Were you outside?”

Narcissa shifted, ready to walk away, but the movement brought Gideon’s attention to the crystal ball she was holding in the folds of her cloak. 

“My grandmother used to do that.”

“What? Walk?” Narcissa said, playing dumb. 

“Scry at night. She thought the images were more clear. I’m useless at Divination though,” Gideon said, nonchalant at his admission of failure in a way Narcissa could never be. She had been brought up with the expectation that Blacks were better than everyone; if they weren’t, they lied about it. 

Narcissa took another step towards the direction of her Common Room. “So you turned to terrorizing your peers instead?”

“I thought I should stick to what I’m good at. Be careful in the dungeons. That’s where Filch and Mrs. Norris decided to patrol tonight.”

“Oh. That is good to know.”

“Isn’t it?” Gideon tapped his foot on the stone floor, energy to Narcissa’s calm facade. Narcissa recognized an opportunity. 

“I won’t tell Filch you’re planning a prank if you tell me how to unlock the East Tower. Alohomora doesn’t work.”

Gideon smirked. Narcissa suspected she should have walked away. “Doesn’t matter. Filch constantly thinks Fabian and I are planning something. And we always are.”

“I hope he catches you,” Narcissa said snidely. 

“He won’t.” Gideon maintained his grin. “Fabian and I know this castle better than he does. Alohomora doesn’t work on that tower but I know how you can get in. Why do you want to?”

“To track the stars. The Astronomy Tower is crowded with idiots.” 

Gideon chuckled. “Yeah, most of us taking Astronomy are utter shite at it.”

“I know.” Narcissa folded her arms, barely restraining herself from rolling her eyes. That was why she refused to take Astronomy. “So how do I get into the East Tower?”

“Tell me, which Slytherin would you most like to see with a pumpkin head?”

Narcissa’s answer was so immediate she surprised herself. “Antonin Dolohov.”

“The spell is Pompionus Erupto. It’s an easy spell, and festive for Halloween. Make Dolohov a pumpkin head by dinner tomorrow and I’ll slip you a note telling you how to get to the Tower.”

By the next evening Narcissa was setting up her telescope and star charts in the East Tower.

The memory of Gideon Prewett lingered in Narcissa’s mind as she slept fitfully beside Lucius. The next morning, Lucius was still coldly angry with her, so she ate breakfast alone in her personal sitting room. Following habit, Narcissa examined the tea grounds in the bottom of the cup. Not even the lingering taste of Narcissa’s favorite tea soothed her frayed nerves when she saw the bad omen in the bottom of the tea cup. 

She made herself another cup of tea. After finishing it she twisted the cup into different angles, searching for different meanings. No matter how Narcissa turned the cup the glaringly bad omen remained.

The cross. Trials and suffering. 

Aunt Cassiopeia would call Narcissa a fool for ignoring the continuous bad omens she saw every time she scried. Something needed to happen to change the timeline.

A month of stressful tarot readings later, Narcissa built up the courage to face her sister for the first time in nine years.

Andromeda tried to curse her when Narcissa had found her in Diagon Alley. After an hour of earnest pleading, Andromeda allowed Narcissa to plan a meeting. Andromeda insisted they meet at a café in crowded Muggle London. When she found the café, Narcissa avoided touching anything. She had been warned her whole life of Muggle germs.

Narcissa glared at Andy, who sat across from her. Just because Andy had married a Muggle didn’t mean her sister had to accept that dirty lifestyle, complete with nonsensical Muggle contraptions. Narcissa was glad Andy’s husband wasn’t here. Hufflepuffs made her uncomfortable, especially muggleborn ones who had stolen Narcissa’s sister away from her. 

“I would appreciate if my presence here remains a secret,” Narcissa began, her words careful.

“You are in no place to be demanding favors,” Andy snapped. For all that she had rejected the family, Andromeda was as dramatic and grudging as any Black. 

Narcissa enjoyed the languid feel of leverage. “I am in a position to be demanding favors. I have things you want.”

“I don’t want a mausoleum for a home and an ice-cold son of a bitch for a husband.” 

Grey eyes met equally stubborn grey eyes, reminding Narcissa that despite Andy’s deep frown, they were sisters with common ground.

“Andy, I have information,” Narcissa said, hoping her use of Andy’s childhood nickname might soften her sister’s glacial demeanor. “I want to join your side.”

“So you can stab us in the back? No, thanks.” 

“I want to help you, Andy,” Narcissa reiterated. She a took it as a good sign that Andy hadn’t stormed off yet. “At least put me in touch with Sirius.”

“Why the fuck would I do that?”

Narcissa flinched. Andy had even picked up painfully Muggle language. “Please, Andy. I’m tired of this war, and it’s not going to end unless the Dark Lord is removed.” 

Narcissa was painfully ashamed that she had not reached out to Andromeda earlier. Now her family was broken into so many pieces that she was forced to beg for her sister’s trust.

“And what of Lucius?” Andy demanded sharply. “What does your dear husband think of your new ideas?”

“Lucius thinks he controls me, but he doesn’t,” Narcissa said flatly. It was cathartic to admit how Narcissa’s youthful fancy when she was fifteen now dictated her life.

Andromeda stilled, staring hard at Narcissa. “You've grown up, little sister,” she said finally. “I’ll talk to Sirius.”

“Thank you, Andy.” Narcissa leaned forward, trying to clasp her sister’s hand. 

Andromeda leaned away, out of reach. “Don’t thank me. Salazar knows Sirius will take you to task. Don’t contact me again. I’ll find you.” 


	2. November 1977 - October 1978

Regulus looked far too weary for a sixteen year old boy when Narcissa met him at the Three Broomsticks. 

“You look dreadful.” Narcissa murmured after she arranged herself at Regulus’s favorite corner table in the Three Broomsticks, one which was mostly hidden but had a view of both the bar and the door. Narcissa was glad for the crowd because it provided a curtain of privacy for her and Regulus. She wished she could confide her meeting with Andromeda to him, but Narcissa knew it was too dangerous.

Regulus’s eyes flicked in irritation. “Spare me, Cissa.”

“Hmmm.” Narcissa drew a package from her cloak, sliding it toward Regulus. “I bought you Dark Arts textbooks, since you complained that the teachers are somehow becoming worse. Make sure to practice your Occlumency, too. I slipped in a manual on Magizoology. I know it’s your favorite.”

“It is _not_ —“ 

“Oh stop, Reg. You’ve liked creatures since you were a boy.”

For a moment Regulus looked boyish again. His smile was bashful before it settled into the morose pattern he wore recently. It was the expression that made Narcissa worried, the expression that motivated her to _do_ something.

Regulus sulked into his chair, or as much as one could while maintaining perfect posture. “Can we,” he pulled nervously on his robes, “take a walk? To get out of this damn crowded place.”

“The Three Broomsticks has never bothered you before.”

Regulus stood from his chair. “Don’t be obstinate, Cissa. Some things are better discussed away from listening walls.”

The door opened, letting in chilly air as a group of raucous students piled in, almost butting into Regulus before they saw him. Narcissa tensed when she spied black hair and strong features similar to Regulus’s. She instinctually stepped between the brothers.

Sirius’s friends spread out behind him. James Potter pushed a red-haired girl behind him even as the girl resisted. Remus Lupin put a hand on Sirius’s shoulder as a short, blond boy trembled next to them.

“Let’s go, Cissa,” Regulus ordered in a voice he must have learned from his father. “I have better things to do than look at blood traitors.” 

Sirius reached for his wand. “Go cry about it to _Mummy_ then _._ ”

Narcissa painfully remembered when Regulus and Sirius worked together to play pranks on her and Andromeda. Shaking off Regulus’s hand, she strode towards Sirius. 

“Talk to Andromeda,” she murmured in Sirius’s ear as she passed, hoping the others would assume it was a hurtful comment. 

Regulus’s shoulders remained tense once they were outside the Three Broomsticks. They walked to the Shrieking Shack in silence. 

“Are you ever going to forgive Sirius?” Narcissa asked, knowing Regulus thought Sirius had abandoned him when he ran away to the Potters.

“Why should I?” Regulus scoffed. “You would forgive Andromeda?”

“I miss her.”

Regulus closed his eyes. “Sentimentality is too dangerous right now.” 

Narcissa frowned. “Too dangerous?”

“Mother and Bellatrix are arranging for me to join the Dark Lord over the holidays.”

“Regulus,” Narcissa breathed out. “Lucius hasn’t mentioned anything.”

“He didn’t want to worry you.”

“I’m sure he didn’t.” Tears built up behind Narcissa’s eyes. “Regulus, you’re too young. Do you even—”

Regulus’s stern gaze cut through her. “Don’t finish that statement, Cissa.”

“You’re only sixteen!”

“Almost seventeen.” 

Narcissa resisted stomping her foot into the ground. “So at the mature age of almost seventeen you’re ready to die?”

“Cissa, what else is there for me to do?” Regulus sounded as broken as Narcissa had ever heard him. She knew the pressure Regulus put on himself. After Sirius left, Regulus’s parents had gleefully accepted Regulus as the heir. They wanted him to make up for the stains Andromeda and Sirius had put on the House of Black.

“I’m always by your side, Reggie,” Narcissa sniffed, letting emotion leak into her voice. “Always. You know that.”

“Thanks,” Regulus said, staring at the ground, He looked more like a nervous teenage boy than a member of violent secret society.

Narcissa wiped a tear from the corner of her eye. She needed to talk to Sirius.

* * *

When Narcissa finally arranged a meeting with Sirius he was not happy to see her. Her cousin, now only months away from graduating Hogwarts, had grown up well from the gangly twit he had been only a few years ago. Now his handsome features were twisted in a sneer.

Andy had recently found Narcissa in Diagon Alley and unobtrusively pressed a note in her hand. Years of sneaking around while in a relationship with a muggleborn had made Andy good at slipping into the shadows when necessary. 

_Sirius says he will only meet you at the eastern-most edge of the Black Lake at noon next Saturday. I hope you are ready to traipse around the Forbidden Forest, little sister. If this is a trap for Sirius I will burn your bloody house to ground._

Narcissa had told Lucius she was meeting Regulus for lunch in Hogsmeade, which she planned to do right after she and Sirius talked, if Sirius didn’t curse her first. 

“I can’t decide if this is a badly thought out trap or if you’re actually tired of kissing Lucius’s pale arse,” Sirius growled at Narcissa. They had met at the Lake. Now, they tensely meandered into the wintery seclusion of the forest. 

Narcissa’s hand twitched but she resisted the urge to slap her cousin. “I want to join your side, Sirius,” she repeated for the third time. 

“Why?”

“I would be a fool to follow the Dark Lord.”

Sirius snorted. “I can believe you want to save your own arse. But I don’t trust you to not stab me in the back the second something goes wrong.”

“I wouldn’t do that, Sirius,” Narcissa pleaded. “I’m trying to save our family.”

Narcissa’s nightmares of Sirius, Regulus, and Bellatrix dying had lessened after Narcissa met with Andy. She knew deciding to pass information to the Order was the right decision.

“The same family that ostracized me ever since I was Sorted into Gryffindor?” Sirius snarled. “The same family that made my life a living hell till I ran away? The ones that are brainwashing Regulus? That’s not my family, Narcissa. I was blasted off the family tree, so I guess you’re no longer my cousin. Go humiliate yourself in front of someone who gives a flying fuck.”

Sirius angrily twisted away from Narcissa and bounded deeper into the forest, but she followed him. She knew the twisted roots and rough stones of the forest well from looking for plants while she was at Hogwarts. 

“Sirius, listen to me,” Narcissa said, clenching her nails into her palms. Her voice trembled, but she swallowed down the imminent sob. “I’m sorry. I am so sorry that I let this happen.”

“I’m fine Narcissa! I don’t give a rat’s arse that you’ve finally realized you don’t have anyone in your life who cares about you.”

Narcissa swallowed down the hurt. “You’re fine with never talking to Regulus again?”

Narcissa followed Sirius but her long robes caught on branch that Sirius, in his muggle clothing, had avoided. She tugged on her robe but it didn’t budge. “Sirius wait for me.”

Sirius kept striding away. “Stay out of my bloody business.” 

With a tear Narcissa’s robe ripped from the branch. She stomped after Sirius

“Regulus is my cousin! You’re my cousin! It is my business.” Seeing his hard expression, Narcissa softened her voice. It’s true,” Narcissa chose her words carefully, “that I am not so progressively minded as you and your friends.” Sirius snorted and muttered something about understatements, but Narcissa ignored him. “But if I am going to choose sides, I will choose the side that is not handing power to a maniac. That is your side, Sirius. Please, can’t you believe me?”

“I’m not in the habit of trusting manipulative bitches.”

“I want to keep you safe, Sirius. And I want to keep Regulus safe I want to see Andromeda for tea so we can tease each other, and I want to keep Bella alive. Is that too much to ask for?”

Sirius gestured wildly, almost maniacally. “Of course I _want_ to trust you! But this is a bloody war! If I blindly trusted my family I’d be bowing to You-Know-Who right now! _Fuck off!_ ”

“No wonder you’re in Gryffindor, you daft squid. I’m trying to bloody help you!” Narcissa exclaimed, well and truly exasperated. 

“You’re fucking insane, Narcissa,” Sirius said, but he pocketed his wand. “And that’s the first time I’ve ever heard you swear, Miss Prim and Prissy Princess.” 

Narcissa smiled. She had him. 

* * *

Narcissa’s meeting with Dumbledore had been arranged by Sirius. Narcissa knew both she and Dumbledore were wary of the other, but they were also both masters at hiding emotion. They played the game of exchanging pleasantries and discussing inane topics until Narcissa decided she should try to assert control over the situation. 

“I would prefer if only you and Sirius know I’m passing information to you.” 

At first Narcissa had been unwilling for even Dumbledore to know about her spying, but Sirius had said he was telling either Alastor Moody or Dumbledore. Moody would rather kill Narcissa than trust her, so Narcissa was left with Dumbledore.

“Sirius mentioned that Mrs. Tonks is also aware of your change in allegiance,” Dumbledore said.

“Yes. She can also vouch for me to your organization if anything should happen to you.”

Dumbledore didn’t blink when Narcissa casually mentioned that he could die in the near future. They were at war after all. He only calmly nodded, saying, “so we agree that you will report directly to me.” 

“No. I will report to Sirius.” 

While this made Sirius the middle-man, a job he would despise, it was also safer for Narcissa. If Lucius became suspicious it was better for Narcissa to explain any interaction with Sirius as her trying to influence her wayward cousin than for Narcissa to excuse regular interactions with Dumbledore. Narcissa might be prepared to sell information, but she would not yet compromise her personal safety for a side that hated her. 

“I don’t think that’s wise,” Dumbledore argued, his displeasure clear when the twinkle disappeared from his blue eyes. 

Narcissa stood up. “I will deliver my information on my own terms.”

“Mrs. Malfoy—” Dumbledore tried again, but Narcissa was already throwing Floo Powder into the fireplace. 

In the following months Narcissa learned how to be a spy. Secrets were priceless during wartime, and the knowledge Narcissa collected was intoxicating. It was difficult to decide which secrets to hold and which to give to Sirius. Was it useful for the Order to know that Lucius was irritated with Snape? Did Sirius need to know that Narcissa had successfully brewed Polyjuice Potion, or that at night when she was lonely she still sought out Lucius? 

When Narcissa confessed that she wanted more information, Sirius helped her charm household objects. His help, pleadingly asked for, was invaluable because Narcissa struggled with complicated wand-work. During one of their meetings, Narcissa and Sirius sat in his living room floor and fiddled with household objects. Despite the gravity of the task, Narcissa found herself laughing with Sirius. The afternoon was a balm to the awkward distrust that still lay between them. 

“This is nice,” she risked telling him. It was a credit to Sirius’s similarly good mood that he didn’t snarl at her.

“Yea,” he said. “Talk to Reggie, will you?”

“I try. He’s even more stubborn than you.” Whenever Narcissa mentioned Sirius or Andromeda to Regulus he glared at her and changed the subject. 

“I doubt that.” Sirius’s left shoulder lifted in a tense shrug, as if agreeing with Narcissa that their family was highly troublesome. 

Before she left Narcissa drew a crystal from her bag and tucked in in a corner of Sirius’s apartment. She hoped it brought protection and good luck. 

When Narcissa returned to Malfoy Manor, Lucius was home.

“Hello, darling,” Narcissa said breezily, still in a good mood, as she stepped into his study. She kissed her husband on the cheek before sitting on the edge of his desk. “When did you get home?”

Lucius had left in the afternoon for a meeting with Death Eaters. Usually a few days after an afternoon meeting there would be another meeting at night. The next morning there would be mysterious deaths reported in _The Daily Prophet_. 

“I returned an hour ago.” Lucius set down his quill and looked at Narcissa with his perpetually steely gaze. “Where were you?”

“Diagon Alley,” Narcissa said. Her known penchant for shopping provided cover for her disappearances. “Dobby has the bags, but,” Narcissa slipped her hand into her pocket and withdrew a long, slender box, “ _Scrivenshaft’s_ released a new collection of quills and I bought you one.” She set the box on the desk. “You work so hard, it’s the least I can do.”

Lucius’s gaze softened. “Thank you, darling.” 

“I hope you like it.” 

Knowing that Lucius was given a full view of her décolletage, Narcissa pressed a firm kiss on his lips. Lucius tried to deepen the kiss, but Narcissa swayed away.

Lucius caught her hand, tugging her back for another, longer kiss. Despite betraying Lucius, Narcissa still felt attracted to her husband. Spying on him added a thrill to their intimacy. The thought of pulling up her skirts and bending over the desk made tension spread in Narcissa’s lower stomach. Lust usually kept Narcissa’s constant anxiety at bay. 

Decided, Narcissa brought her fingers to the line of buttons on her dress.

Watching her, Lucius unbuckled his belt. “Narcissa, my love, you’re so perfect,” he groaned. 

Narcissa didn’t know enough about love to say whether she loved Lucius. She knew him, and usually that felt like enough. 

Narcissa lowered her eyes to unclasp her buttons. The motion made her see the letters on Lucius’s desk. The one on top was addressed to Regulus. Lucius would only write to Narcissa’s younger cousin if the letter was about Death Eater business. 

Narcissa’s libido froze. Regulus was too young to involve himself in late night massacres. 

She reclasped her top two buttons with trembling fingers. “Actually, I wouldn’t want to distract you from work, and I have correspondence to attend to,” Narcissa said, sliding off the desk. “I forgot to respond to Adelia Rosier’s invitation to tea on Saturday.”

Narcissa slumped against the door after she exited the study.

At eighteen, Narcissa had believed her only option for limited freedom was through marriage. Charismatic Lucius was by the far the best of her acceptable options. She knew Lucius wanted a beautiful, decorative pureblood wife. As long as Narcissa enhanced Lucius’s position in society, she would have a stable marriage and a committed husband. 

Growing up in the shadow of her mother and father’s dreadful relationship, Narcissa had never been naive about pureblood marriages, but she had been naive to think Lucius’s devotion to her would keep her happy. Now, staring into the specter of endless violence in wizarding society, Narcissa feared Lucius would drag Narcissa into a future she did not want. 

Helpfully, Lucius’s view of Narcissa as his naive, charming wife kept all suspicion off her as she continued to spy on him. The charmed pen she had given him worked marvelously to record what he wrote. 

Everything he wrote with the pen appeared in a charmed notebook that Narcissa kept in a hidden, locked drawer in her closet. Sirius had told her the Marauders used the charm to write notes to each other at Hogwarts.

Narcissa now had all the details Lucius wrote about Death Eater meetings and planned attacks. Narcissa also gathered secrets simply by living in the house and knowing where Lucius went and who he met with. Narcissa discovered more salacious information by chatting over tea with the wives of other Death Eaters.

Within two weeks Narcissa had filled out the notebook that she and Sirius had charmed. The journal appeared blank, although a note was slipped under the cover that read, “ _I picked this up in Diagon Alley and I thought you might like it.”_ If Lucius ever found the blank notebook she could excuse it as a gift for Regulus or Bellatrix that she hadn’t sent yet. 

If Narcissa or Sirius put a drop of their blood on the inside cover runes would appear. Tapping the Runes while saying _The Goblin Wars of 1789_ would make the Runes reveal Narcissa’s notes. Closing the journal would make everything disappear again.

Narcissa had heard whispers of what the Dark Lord did to traitors, so she considered this spell work barely enough to protect her. She also practiced her Occlumency. On days she need to relax she worked in the Malfoy Manor greenhouses.

Narcissa still felt her stomach twisting itself tighter and tighter with each passing day. As the months continued, Narcissa was apprehensive that her spying would be discovered by Lucius, or worse, Bellatrix. 

* * *

Narcissa Apparated into Sirius’s flat, facing the wall. “I don’t have much time. I came from the restroom of Fortescue’s. . .”

Pain shot up Narcissa’s throat when a wand point pressed into the back of her neck, tangling with her hair.

Narcissa froze, heart thundering. She slowly turned around, her eyes level to a square jaw. She lifted her gaze until she was staring into narrowed, blue eyes. 

“Hello, Mr. Prewett,” Narcissa said, voice calm despite the pressure building near her temples. This was a disaster. “I think I will be leaving now.” 

Narcissa was so close to Gideon that she could count the freckles decorating his nose and notice that there were flecks of yellow, like sunshine, in his blue eyes. Gideon’s mouth twisted downward, anger sharpening his handsome features.

The need to escape thundered through Narcissa and she Apparated back to the restroom as the Gideon said the first few syllables of _Expelliarmus._ With trembling limbs, Narcissa sunk to the floor. Shite. Shite. Shite. Shite. Shite. 

Always careful, it was ten more minutes of jumping Floos for Narcissa to enter into Dumbledore’s office. 

“Mrs. Malfoy, an unexpected pleasure,” Dumbledore said, eyes twinkling. “Aren’t you meant to be meeting with Sirius right now?”

To see Dumbledore so calm while Narcissa was paralyzed with anxiety made rage rush through her. She grasped the rage as a way to feel something other than panic. 

“I Apparated into Sirius’s flat at our agreed upon time but Gideon Prewett was there,” Narcissa hissed, wishing she could make Dumbledore into an icicle with her gaze alone. “Where were your warnings? My safety has been compromised, and so has Sirius’s if Gideon thinks he’s a traitor to your organization for meeting with me.”

“I apologize. Sirius was injured last night and I suppose Gideon was checking on him. Would you still like to see Sirius?”

“Sirius was injured? Will Mr. Prewett still be there?”

“I don’t know.”

Narcissa grit her teeth. “So you’re useless.”

“Please, Mrs. Malfoy. I think we should take this opportunity to trust Mr. Prewett. He has already seen you. Wouldn’t it be better to tell him the whole truth rather than leave him to hatch his own conspiracy?”

“No. Absolutely not. I would not trust Mr. Prewett to take care of my hat, much less my life.”

“Mrs. Malfoy, this is for Sirius’s safety. We don’t want Gideon to think Sirius has betrayed the Order.”

Narcissa reached into her pocket, gripping the smooth obsidian rock she put in it that morning. She took a deep breath. The obsidian was cool in her palm, grounding her, making her think of Sirius. “Fine.”

Dumbledore Flooed to Sirius’s first, before Floo calling to tell Narcissa it was safe to come through. 

She arrived, graceful from practice and full of the memory when Aunt Walburga forced her and Sirius to travel through the Floo until they could step out of a fireplace without ash on them, every hair in place. 

Gideon was sitting at Sirius’s table, wand in his hand. Dumbledore stood by him, hands calmly folded.

“Where’s Sirius?” Narcissa asked, hand in her pocket still clenched around the obsidian. 

“In his bed, unconscious,” Gideon said, his eyes unreadable but carefully trained on Narcissa. 

Narcissa nodded in a sharp, purposefully dismissive motion. “I’ll make sure he’s alright, while Dumbledore makes certain you won’t threaten me again.”

Gideon snorted. “If I wasn’t jumpy one of your friends would’ve me killed me by now, Mrs. _Malfoy_.”

“Surely Dumbledore has established that they are not my friends?” Narcissa lifted an eyebrow, and headed to the bedroom. 

Awhile later she was sitting on the ground next to the bed where Sirius’s limp body lay when Gideon entered the bedroom. Narcissa had checked Sirius with the diagnostic spells she knew. Now she was finishing her list of herbal remedies that would help Sirius. When she saw Gideon, Narcissa tucked the list into her pocket next to the chunk of obsidian. 

Gideon stood tall over Narcissa, his hands in the pockets of his brown leather jacket. Not for the first time, Narcissa noted that Gideon was far more attractive than an impoverished blood-traitor had the right to be. Even the Slytherin girls had giggled over his obvious good looks in the secrecy of their dorm rooms. 

“Dumbledore talked to me,” Gideon’s eyes skirted from Narcissa to Sirius. “What the fuck are you doing Narcissa?”

“Do you know who cursed Sirius?” 

“I’m sure your beloved husband knows.”

“Probably,” Narcissa conceded, trying to be as placid as a frozen lake. “I’m asking you.”

“It was Antonin Dolohov.” 

Narcissa tensed. Dolohov was as disgusting as Greyback. “Last night?”

“Yeah.”

“Antonin had dinner with me and Lucius a few hours before he tried to kill my cousin,” Narcissa said. “He complemented my choice of wine and groped me when Lucius wasn’t looking.”

“And I was fighting for my life last night. War bloody sucks.” Gideon’s dismissive words were at odds with the way his jaw clenched. 

“I want it to be over.” Narcissa drew her gaze over Sirius one more time. Not caring that Gideon was still looming over her, she brought the chunk of obsidian from her pocket and tucked into Sirius’s hand. She stood up, now facing Gideon.

“What did you put in Sirius’s hand?”

“Obsidian, for protection.” Narcissa knew most magic folk no longer believed in the magic she practiced with plants, stones, and scrying, but Aunt Cassiopeia had taught Narcissa to be proud of her knowledge. Narcissa held Gideon’s blue gaze. 

He didn’t look away. “And what did you put in your pocket?”

Narcissa searched his hard expression for the laughing boy who had littered Hogwarts with pranks. The only sign of the Gideon Prewett who had turned pumpkin pasties into frogs were the laugh lines around his eyes, but they were nearly hidden by the signs of his exhaustion. 

“It’s my secret report on all of Dumbledore’s weaknesses to give to my husband,” Narcissa replied blandly.

Gideon’s hand reached out to grab Narcissa’s arm before he paused and relaxed, his hand moving from the space between them to his hair. A battered gold watch glinted on his wrist. “Merlin, you’re joking. I didn’t know you could.”

Oddly determined to prove she had a sense of humor, Narcissa drew out her notepaper, and made a show of looking at it. “No, it says right here that Dumbledore has a fondness for Bertie Bott’s Beans we should exploit.”

Gideon nearly laughed before his brow furrowed. “Dumbledore wants me to be your handler.”

Narcissa’s brief good humor vanished. “Handler? Hardly.”

“We’re going to meet every week in my flat.”

“When will Sirius be recovered?”

Gideon rocked back on his heels. “When Sirius recovers he’s going to be busy catching up with Auror paperwork. It’ll be just us for awhile.”

“But I don’t trust you.”

Gideon leaned in toward Narcissa. “Here’s a secret for whatever little spy game you think you’re playing: I don’t trust you either.”

Gideon’s close presence was overwhelming in the small bedroom. “I’m glad we’re on the same page” Narcissa snapped. Annoyed with herself for feeling on edge, she hurried out of Sirius’s room, brushing past Gideon. 

“Ah, Mrs. Malfoy. This is all settled.” Dumbledore said, jovially ignoring Narcissa’s furious expression. “Please set up a time to meet with Mr. Prewett, won’t you?”

Narcissa wanted to yell and stomp her foot like a little girl. She bit her tongue and settled for glaring at Dumbledore. “This Thursday morning at nine. We’ll meet here so Mr. Prewett can take me to his flat.”

“It’d be my pleasure,” Gideon said, having followed her out of Sirius’s bedroom.

“Look after Sirius,” Narcissa ordered, her last words before she grabbed Floo Powder and disappeared down the Floo. 

Dumbledore’s unflappable expression gave Narcissa absolute certainty that this had been a trap for her and Gideon. Unerringly, they had fallen into it, forced to trust each other. Now Narcissa was even more entwined with the Order of the Phoenix.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> see y'all next sunday :)


	3. October 1978 -  March 1979

Gideon’s flat was comfortable, with lots of varied belongings that Narcissa could inspect instead of looking at him during their first meeting. Narcissa was now tracing the pattern on a homemade knit blanket as they sat on the couch. She wondered if Gideon remembered when they had accidentally hidden together in the dark hallway of Hogwarts. It was the only other time Narcissa had been alone with him. 

“Is that all?” She asked when Gideon finished laying out his thorough plan for their meetings. 

_“Is that all?”_ Gideon repeated incredulously. “You don’t have any questions? This is a highly dangerous and delicate mission.”

“Somehow I realized on my own that war is dangerous. I don’t have any questions because your plan is exactly what I did with Sirius for the past months. It works.” Narcissa didn’t mention that Gideon’s ideas closed several threatening loopholes Sirius and Narcissa hadn’t noticed. 

Gideon slumped into the couch. “I thought I was going to have to argue every point with you.”

“That would have been a waste of my time,” Narcissa said. “You have the notebook from Sirius?”

“Yes, I do.” Gideon confirmed. Narcissa still had the connected notebook, in which she wrote down all the information she learned. If something was written in the twin notebook, it would appear in the other. 

Narcissa looked up from the blanket and caught Gideon staring at her. 

“If you’re double crossing us, Sirius will drown you in the Thames before I get a chance to draw my own wand,” he said.

Logically, Narcissa understood Gideon’s suspicion, but she was frustrated after months of trying to prove she was trustworthy. She stood up to leave. “Right. I look forward to telling the Dark Lord all about your collection of Muggle novels. He’ll be fascinated.”

“I probably deserved that,” Gideon admitted. Narcissa blinked, surprised at the almost-apology. “I just don’t understand why you’re helping us.”

Narcissa wasn’t about to describe her reasoning to Gideon. It was a mix of terrifying dreams, panic about her family, and an inability to imagine a happy future with Lucius. 

“I feel as if I don’t have a choice,” she settled on. “Now are we done or do you have other useless comments?”

“Don’t worry. I’ll think of something else obnoxious for our next meeting.”

“I can’t wait,” Narcissa said dryly. 

The next meeting with Gideon was less stilted. He made her a cup of tea while thanking her for the information she had provided that had helped one of the Order’s missions. 

Sirius wasn’t able to regularly meet with Narcissa anymore because Remus was moving in with him. Sirius had loudly proclaimed that he and Remus were dating, as if daring Narcissa to disapprove. Narcissa was only disappointed that Sirius had less time now, when they were just starting to become close again. Still, Narcissa’s meetings with Gideon went much better than she had originally expected. Gideon’s light-hearted personality and funny stories helped create an unexpected camaraderie between them.

Unfortunately, by January Narcissa was finding minimal new information. Her nightmares were becoming worse, and Regulus was becoming recalcitrant. Now that he had officially joined the Death Eaters, Regulus was drawing further into himself. Tired and frustrated, Narcissa paced Gideon’s apartment. 

“I know roughly when the attacks happen, because Lucius always Floos to Lestrange Manor, but I don’t know _where_ they’re going to happen!” She complained.

Gideon placed a cup of tea in her hands. “You already help us prepare and warn people, Narcissa. We saved the Bones family last week because of you.”

“Edgar Bones still died!” Narcissa snapped. 

“That wasn’t your fault.”

Narcissa ignored him. “Don’t you have any ideas for ways I can find more information?”

Gideon sat down on the couch. “I’m still mad that you searched Yaxley’s desk during that dinner party. That was risky.”

Gideon had argued with Narcissa after that incident. He rarely got truly angry, but when he did it erupted like a flash and was gone. After living with Lucius, Narcissa appreciated the honesty of Gideon’s anger. Lucius’s temper was more subversive than spreading black ice.

“ _Gideon.”_

“Fine. Dumbledore wondered why you don’t ask Malfoy more questions.” 

“I’ve tried! It turns out asking Lucius what murders he’s planning isn’t good pillow talk!” 

Narcissa paused her pacing to take a sip of the tea. She noticed Gideon’s clenched jaw. He always tensed when Narcissa mentioned Lucius.

Gideon cleared his throat. “Listen, Narcissa, your guilt isn’t going to help you. Let’s take a break. My best ideas come when I’m not stressing myself out.”

Narcissa rolled her eyes. “I still don’t want to watch that Muggle movie. What was it? _Mr. Python’s Grail?”_

“ _Monty Python and the Holy Grail_. I promise we’ll watch it one day. But I actually found a Muggle store I think you would like. Let’s get out of the flat and walk around. If you hate it, I’ll distract you by throwing snowballs at you.”

“That’s a horrible offer,” Narcissa sniffed, but she lifted her arms. “Transfigure my clothing. You know what Muggle fashion is.” 

By allowing Gideon to point his wand at her and transfigure her clothing, Narcissa was revealing how much she trusted Gideon. With a few flicks of Gideon’s wand, Narcissa’s tailored robes from _Madame Malkin’s_ became uncomfortable mugglewear. 

Narcissa examined her clothing. She was wearing flared blue denim and a brightly striped shirt under a quilted puffy jacket. It was more bright color than Narcissa thought she had ever worn, and she already dressed boldly compared to most pureblood wives. 

“They wear _this?_ ” Narcissa asked, despite having seen similar clothing in shows Sirius had forced her to watch when he came to Gideon and Narcissa’s meetings. Sirius and Andromeda’s approval of Gideon also helped Narcissa learn to trust and like him. 

Sirius, Andromeda, and Gideon were trying to make Narcissa less disgusted with Muggle culture after Narcissa had dropped disparaging comments. Narcissa was becoming tentatively curious about Muggle culture, although this was the first time she was going into the Muggle world since she had met Andromeda at the café over a year ago. 

“Don’t worry. I could have put you in a potato sack and you would look fine,” Gideon said flippantly

Narcissa narrowed her eyes at him, silencing her thought that Gideon was flirting with her. He was naturally charismatic, she told herself, and it was hardly revolutionary for someone to notice that Narcissa was beautiful.

Narcissa gestured to the door. “It’s too cold for a potato sack. Let’s go.” 

Gideon Apparated Narcissa to an abandoned alley before leading Narcissa through the unfamiliar crowded London streets. Narcissa stuck close to him. The streets weren’t as crowded as Diagon Alley was, but in Diagon Alley magic folk gave Mrs. Malfoy space to shop. These Muggles had no qualms about bumping into Narcissa, who was just some random blonde to them.

“Here,” Gideon said, stopping by a window filled with crystals and plants. Narcissa peered at the sign. _Cindy’s New Age Shop._ “Come in.”

The shop was full of the materials almost identical to the crystals and tarot decks filling Narcissa’s drawers. Wide-eyed, Narcissa brushed her fingers on a polished moonstone in the crystal and stones display. Aunt Cassiopeia had taught Narcissa that moonstones helped with sleep and calming, something Narcissa needed help with as her nightmares became more vivid. She had tucked moonstone under her pillow two nights prior after dreaming of Inferi.

“Muggles know about this?” She asked Gideon in a hushed whisper, turning her head so she could see him standing behind her shoulder. 

He reached around and the touched the moonstone as well, his arm brushing her waist and his fingertips landing beside Narcissa’s. “You should ask the owner of the store about it.”

Narcissa glanced at an elderly lady with curly green hair behind the sales counter. Narcissa knew Gideon didn’t think she would willingly talk to a Muggle and she wanted to prove him wrong. She was also desperate to know how Muggles used the magical objects in the shop. 

“Hello there!” The shopkeeper chirped when Narcissa approached the counter. 

Narcissa pasted on a pleasant smile. “Good afternoon. Could you tell me about these objects? Do you believe they’re magical?”

Cindy the shopkeeper was voluble. She cheerfully guided Narcissa around the shop. Narcissa disagreed with some of Cindy’s points about certain stones and candles, but she liked Cindy’s explanation of the purpose of the store. “It’s magic,” Cindy said firmly. “And if it’s not, then you get a pretty candle or a pretty stone out of the deal and meditating over tarot cards never hurt anyone.” Cindy shoved a pink candle in Narcissa’s hand. “Buy the candle.” 

Narcissa tried to put the candle back. “I don’t—”

“You want the candle,” Cindy insisted. 

Frustrated, Narcissa turned to Gideon for help. He grinned at her, but didn’t move.

Cindy caught the look and shoved the candle at Gideon. “Buy the pink candle for your pretty lady.”

“I’m not—”

Gideon interrupted Narcissa. “I can’t argue with you, Cindy. I’ll buy it.”

They left the store with the candle. “That was fascinating,” Narcissa gushed, “but I’m still recovering from her sales tactics Are all Muggles like that?”

“Definitely not,” Gideon chuckled. 

Narcissa thought it might be nice to own a shop like Cindy’s and tell people about crystals all day. She pulled the candle out of her jacket pocket and examined it. “I’ll be burnt to a crisp by the wards if I bring this Muggle candle into the Manor.”

Gideon grimaced. “I don’t know if you’re joking. Just in case, keep it at my apartment.” 

At Gideon’s apartment, Narcissa carefully placed the candle on the coffee table. After transfiguring her Muggle clothing into a simple witches robe, Narcissa asked, “How did you know I would like that shop?”

“I thought it would distract you. Do you want more tea?” Gideon called from the kitchen. 

“But why that shop?” 

“You gave obsidian to Sirius, so I know you believe in that magic. I told you my grandmother practiced it too.”

Gideon had told Narcissa his grandmother scried while they had been hiding behind a tapestry at Hogwarts. It was the first confirmation for Narcissa that Gideon also remembered that night. 

Narcissa walked into the kitchen to see Gideon pouring hot water into two mugs. “Most magic folk don’t believe in that magic anymore. Could please make me Earl Grey?”

“The best use I could ever find for a crystal ball was for playing catch with Fabian, but Gran had a knack for predicting weather with it. Tell me what you do with it while the tea steeps.”

Narcissa couldn’t help smiling at Gideon’s invitation. In their next meetings Narcissa sometimes told Gideon about her odd dreams. She was grateful when he listened seriously to her. Most people, such as Lucius and Bellatrix, brushed off the serious meanings Narcissa found in her dreams. 

In early March, Narcissa was fertilizing her plants in her greenhouse. She pulled out the notebooks in her pocket. One was her gardening notebook. The other notebook was the one connected with Gideon’s notebook. Narcissa had started carrying it with her for safety. Narcissa jotted down a note about fertilizing methods in her gardening book. While it was out, Narcissa decided to check her spy notebook. Her heart stopped when she read the most recent note in Gideon’s handwriting: _Emergency! Apparate to my flat now!_

Narcissa Apparated to Gideon’s flat without pausing to take her dirty gardening gloves off. 

Gideon was pacing the flat. When Narcissa arrived he crossed his arms. “Fabian went missing during an Order patrol! What’s the use of meeting with you if my brother gets killed? Fuck, do you know anything about what happened?”

Shocked by the vitriol, Narcissa took a step back. Disappointment fueled her responding anger. She had expected Gideon to be better than this. “Stop yelling at me.”

Gideon ignored her. “Where were your warnings? Death Eater activity has been increasing and we don’t know anything about it! The last thing I bloody said to Fabian was a lie because I was meeting with you!”

Enraged, Narcissa tore off her gardening gloves and threw one at Gideon’s head. “You can’t summon me here,” she threw the other one, “because Fabian is missing! I can’t do anything about that!”

Gideon caught one of the gloves from the air. 

Narcissa clenched her fists, her tone becoming icier. “If Lucius finds me missing he could suspect something. I can’t do anything if I’m in the Manor dungeons! _Accio_ gardening gloves!”

The glove on the ground flew into Narcissa’s hand, but Gideon held the other one tighter.

“Give me my glove! I need to go!”

He walked over to hand it to her.

Narcissa snatched the glove out of his hand. “You wanted someone to blame, and that selfishness put me in danger.”

“Merlin, Narcissa, I know you’re right. I’m sorry.”

Narcissa gripped the gloves in her hands. They were the last present Andromeda had given Narcissa before she ran away with Ted. If Andy was missing, Narcissa would probably be cursing everyone she could see. 

“If I hear anything about Fabian I’ll put it in the notebook.” She Apparated back into her greenhouse. 

The familiar humidity and smell of dirt helped Narcissa relax. Her rage-induced headache slowly dissipated. Before Narcissa went to bed that night she checked the notebook. Gideon had written _I’m sorry_. After that he had noted, _Dumbledore just found Fabian._

Narcissa massaged her temple. She was still angry, but the apology staggered her. Most people in her life were too prideful to apologize. She couldn’t ever recall hearing Lucius say ‘I’m sorry’, nor could she imagine it. 

Narcissa picked up her quill and pressed it into the notebook. _I forgive you_. 


	4. June 1979 - November 1979

Narcissa took deep calming breaths as the images of Regulus gasping for breath, rotting Inferi ripping at his skin, flooded her mind.  


The fear was familiar. Narcissa had been having this dream since she started studying Divination. Now the dream was an almost nightly occurrence. Each nightmare became more and more vivid.

After over ten years of nightmares, Narcissa knew Aunt Cassiopeia would call her a fool for ignoring her dreams. Aunt Cassiopeia claimed nothing happened without the stars looking on. The Ancient and Most Noble House of Black was celestial. They were connected to the stars. Since Narcissa was a child, she had been told whatever the stars watched over the Blacks could claim for themselves.

Narcissa dug her fingernails into her soft palms, angry that Aunt Cassiopeia might have Divined the violence currently destroying the wizarding world and had not done more to stop it. Narcissa couldn’t do the same. What was the use of designing a safe life with Lucius if it wouldn’t keep her and her family safe?

Narcissa blindly reached across the bed, finding Lucius sleeping soundly. He was cool to the touch even in sleep. Decided, Narcissa slipped out of bed and put on her slippers, finding her silk dressing robe to pull over her thin nightgown. She needed to see Regulus immediately. She should have warned him about her recurring nightmares years ago.

After frantically drawing runes in chamomile and lavender oil on the bed to ensure Lucius would stay asleep, Narcissa hurried to her parlor and called for Dobby.

“Find Regulus,” she ordered. He disappeared and Narcissa arranged her crystal balls to calm her nerves. 

Minutes later Dobby popped back into the room, wringing his hands. “Dobby is so sorry, Mistress Cissy,” he wailed. Narcissa’s heart dropped. 

“What happened?”

“Master Regulus and Kreacher are gone.”

_“Gone?”_

Dobby trembled under Narcissa’s frightened glare. “They’re not at Grimmauld Place.”

“Take me to them!” Narcissa ordered, trusting that his unique House-Elf magic would bring her to Regulus.

“It’s dangerous!”  


“Dobby!”

Dobby touched Narcissa’s silk-covered forearm with a long, wrinkled finger and they hurtled through space.

Narcissa landed outside a cliff and lost her dinner onto the gravel. She recognized where Dobby had brought her. She had seen it minutes ago in her dream. If it wasn’t for the worried mutterings of Dobby, Narcissa would have believed she was still dreaming.

Narcissa sprinted towards the cliff. She saw blood dripping down on one of the stones and knew what was needed. She cut the back of her hand with a quick spell and smeared it onto the rough stone. the stones creaked into a threatening gate. Narcissa stepped through the dark path on trembling legs.

The lake she had seen countless times in her dream was placid. 

“ _Accio_ Regulus!” Narcissa shouted. There was a ripple from the lake. Narcissa’s knees buckled in fear. 

“Dobby! Help me!” 

The lake rippled again under the combined force of Narcissa’s and Dobby’s magic. 

“Dobby, get Kreacher!” 

Too long of a minute later, Kreacher and Dobby reappeared. Struggling, all of them magicked Regulus’s body out of the water. Narcissa gagged when she saw Inferi clutching to her cousin’s limbs. There were five pale and rotting bodies still trying to drag Regulus back in. 

Trembling, Narcissa shot sparks of fire at the Inferi until they fell of off Regulus’s levitating body and back into the lake. Dobby and Kreacher dropped Regulus onto the ground. He looked dead. Kreacher’s noisy sobs were indistinguishable from Narcissa’s. 

Narcissa grabbed Regulus’s body and Apparated them to the person she knew was secretly an excellent healer. 

They appeared next to Sirius’s bed in his apartment. Regulus’s clothes soaked the carpet as Narcissa screamed for Sirius to wake up.

Two people yelled out. In her panic, Narcissa had forgotten Remus lived with Sirius now. Sirius shot up and fell out out of bed, the sheets tangling around his legs.“What? I can’t bloody see. _Lumos!_ ”

“SIRIUS!” Narcissa screamed, hysterical with the sight of Regulus’s unconscious, bruised body. 

Sirius noticed Regulus on the floor. “Merlin!”

“Do something!” Narcissa continued to scream. “Help him!”  


Sirius pushed Narcissa away from Sirius so he could have more room. He grabbed his wand from his bedside table and cast diagnostic spells. 

“What’s going on, Sirius?” Remus grabbed his wand, but pointed it at Narcissa.

“I don’t fucking know! What the bloody hell happened, Narcissa?”

“He was drowning in a lake of Inferi,” Narcissa said. “I knew you would help us. I forgot Remus lived with you.” 

“You talk to each other now?” Remus shouted.

“Good Godric! Narcissa, you can’t do shite half way anymore,” Sirius muttered. “Remus, I’ll explain later. Can you get James? We’re going to need help.”

“No!” Narcissa exploded. “He doesn’t know about me! Get Gideon.” 

Remus looked about to protest but after glancing at Regulus’s bruised body he Apparated away.

Narcissa thought for a moment. She screamed, “Kreacher! Dobby!”  


They both appeared with a crack.

Sirius flinched. “Kreacher? What the hell!”

“Stop!” Narcissa ordered when Kreacher complained about blood traitors. “Listen to me. You will both help Sirius heal Regulus and never talk of this again. Yes?”

Dobby nodded immediately but it took a second for Kreacher to also agree. 

“Kreacher bring me everything from the potion cabinet in the kitchen,” Sirius ordered. When Kreacher left. Sirius levitated Regulus onto the bed.

“What do you need me to?” Narcissa asked, wringing her hands as Kreacher came back with the potions.

“Look through the potions and hand me anything useful.” 

Due to his involvement in the Order, Sirius had many useful potions that Narcissa pulled out. She was placing them on the bedside table when Regulus finally coughed and retched onto the floor. 

Kreacher cleaned it up seconds before Gideon and Remus Apparated into the bedroom. Narcissa instantly felt more at ease. 

“Remus said it was an emergency,” Gideon said. He noticed Narcissa. “Narcissa? Are you alright? You’re bleeding!”

“You talk to Narcissa too?” Remus threw his hands up in the air. 

Narcissa pointed at the bed with her bleeding hand. “It’s Regulus. Thank Salazar you’re here.”

Gideon’s eyes-widened when he saw Regulus. “Blimey! Sirius is that your brother?”

In the next two hours they formed an unexpectedly efficient team to heal Regulus. Sirius, Remus, and Gideon were both good at Healing charms. Narcissa couldn’t do complicated healing spells, but she knew which potions to use. 

Finally Gideon stood up from his crouch by the bed, stretching out his limbs. “That’s all we can do.”

Sirius stood up too. “I think Regulus will be okay.”

Narcissa tearfully embraced Sirius. “Thank you, thank you.”

Sirius hugged her back. “Cissa, I’m gonna make a cuppa and you’re going to tell us what the fuck happened.”

Narcissa stepped away and touched Gideon’s arm. “Thank you, too.” 

Surprising her, Gideon drew Narcissa into a quick hug as well. “It’s always exciting with you, isn’t it?” Narcissa briefly relaxed into Gideon’s arms before he cleared his throat and stepped away. He tapped her hand with his wand, healing the wound Narcissa had forgotten about. 

Narcissa turned to Remus, who stood with his arms crossed. 

Gideon put a solid hand on Narcissa’s shoulder. “Narcissa’s been spying for us for over a year now, Remus. She’s on our side.”

“Well I suppose everything makes sense now,” Remus said sarcastically.

“You can’t tell anyone,” Narcissa cautioned. “Only Sirius, Gideon, and Dumbledore know.”

Remus grimaced, but grudgingly agreed, “I won’t tell anyone.”

“Good.”

Narcissa supposed Remus Lupin was good at keeping secrets. When she was an Upper Year at Hogwarts, the centaurs had warned Narcissa that she couldn’t go out at the full moon because a werewolf roamed Hogwarts. It only took a few months of observation for Narcissa to realize Remus was in the Infirmary every day after the full moon. Narcissa had been afraid at first, but it was difficult to stay scared of a tiny eleven-year old who cried in the infirmary. Remus was infinitely gentle when compared to Greyback and Thrawley, who were the werewolves who sometimes visited the Manor.

Sirius burst in, cups of levitating tea following him. 

“Great! You’re talking to each other.”

They drank the tea while sitting on the carpeted floor in Sirius’s room, so they could keep an eye on Regulus. Sirius and Gideon sat on either side of Narcissa.

Narcissa sipped the tea whenever her tears built up in her eyes, so finished drinking quickly. 

“Narcissa, what happened?” Gideon asked softly. 

Watching the gentle rise and fall of Regulus’s chest, relief coursed through Narcissa. “It’s all my fault,” she sobbed. “I could have stopped it if I listened to my dreams.” 

“Narcissa, don’t say that,” Gideon said. “You saved him.”

Through her sniffles, Narcissa said, “I’ve been having dreams about Regulus dying for years. I woke up from one tonight and called Dobby so that he could check on Regulus. When Dobby told me Kreacher and Regulus were gone I ordered him to bring me to them. I found Regulus at the exact place where my dreams said he would die. He wouldn’t have been hurt at all if I had told him about my dreams sooner.”

Sirius awkwardly patted Narcissa. “I know there’s more to your story. You mentioned Inferi and a lake.”

Narcissa closed her eyes as Gideon yelped, “Inferi?”

“When I found Regulus he was in a lake of Inferi. Kreacher, Dobby, and I Summoned him from the lake and I used sparks of fire to make the Inferi let go.” Narcissa shuddered. “It was _awful._ Those things are pure evil.”

Gideon put his hand on Narcissa’s shoulder. “Narcissa, look at me. You fought off _Inferi_. While wearing slippers. That’s incredible.” 

Narcissa shook her head. “No, it wasn’t. I could barely do it because my casting is so weak.”

“None of us had dreams warning us about Regulus,” Gideon argued. “ _You_ saved him.”

“Gideon is right,” Sirius agreed. “Do you know why Regulus was there?”

Narcissa shook her head. “I have no clue. Bella mentioned that Regulus was being honored by the Dark Lord, but a lake of Inferi doesn’t seem like an honor.” The thought of the Dark Lord and Death Eaters reminded Narcissa of Lucius. “I need to go home. I spelled Lucius into a deep sleep, but he might be waking up soon. Write to me any updates about Regulus.” 

Narcissa didn’t want to leave the warm comfort of Sirius’s apartment. Every time she returned from meeting with Gideon or Sirius, Malfoy Manor felt colder. Nevertheless, Narcissa returned home and took a scalding hot shower to wipe off the memory of Inferi weighing down Regulus’s body.

* * *

Two days later Narcissa was able to slip out of the Manor again, telling Lucius she was going to buy crystals. Lucius always ignored her when Narcissa told him about the magic she practiced. She returned to Sirius’s apartment. Regulus was gone. 

“Relax! I promise he’s fine,” Sirius reassured Narcissa when she panicked. “Dumbledore brought him to an Order safe house. I’m about to head over. Regulus says he won’t talk to Dumbledore unless we’re both there. Gideon has been watching over him.” 

“Dumbledore is involved?” Narcissa’s panic barely lessened. What would Dumbledore do with an invalid Death Eater?

Before Narcissa could protest further, Sirius grabbed her arm and Apparated them into a small, bare room. Gideon was standing in a corner, arms folded. Regulus sat on a twin bed shoved in the opposite corner of the room. He was pale and sullen, but he tightly hugged Narcissa when she sat down to him by the bed. 

“Dumbledore should be here soon,” Sirius said. 

Regulus folded his arms. “This is a bad idea.”

The remaining tension between Regulus and Sirius was clear when Sirius snapped, “and what’s your better idea? Should we get You-Know-Who?”

“You shouldn’t have said anything to Dumbledore!” 

“This gives me an incredible sense of déjà vu,” Narcissa murmured. “I feel like I’m sitting at family dinners and you two are about to start throwing peas at each other.”

Gideon and Narcissa exchanged a small smile, both exasperated by Sirius and Regulus.

Sirius and Regulus were still glaring at Narcissa when Dumbledore Apparated in.

Regulus tensed and avoided Dumbledore’s gaze. “Is Prewett staying for this?” He hissed to Narcissa. Gideon and Narcissa made eye contact, proving he had overheard Regulus. 

“He’s fine, Reg,” Narcissa murmured. She certainly trusted Gideon more than Dumbledore.

Dumbledore made three chairs appear. He, Gideon, and Sirius sat down.

“What’s your plan, Dumbledore?” Regulus asked.

Dumbledore adjusted his glasses. “I need you tell us what happened first.”

“I didn’t agree to Prewett listening in.” 

Gideon leaned back in his chair. “You don’t have any sway here, Black.”

“What are you going to do?” Regulus asked, sneering. “Blemish your golden morals and torture me? Is Sirius going to set off a dung bomb like he used to?”

Gideon rubbed a hand over his face. “Narcissa, can you please talk some sense into him?” 

Shifting, Regulus narrowed his eyes at Narcissa. “Well? Are you going to talk sense into me?”

Narcissa looked at the tense posture of everyone in the room. At this rate, they would all be sitting here for hours. “All of you, get out. I need to talk to Regulus alone.” 

No one moved. Narcissa lifted her chin and assumed her iciest tone. “Sirius, Gideon, Dumbledore, leave.”

“You’re the worst in this mood, Cissa,” Sirius grumbled, but he ushered everyone out of the room. 

Narcissa handed her wand to Regulus. His wand had been lost in the lake, and Narcissa knew he cast a much stronger charm than she could. “Cast a Silencing Spell.”

After the spell was cast Regulus returned her wand. Narcissa leaned against the wall and took a deep breath. “Were you at the lake on a Death Eater mission? Lucius didn’t mention anything about it.”

“It wasn’t a Death Eater mission. Tell me why you’re talking to Sirius and Dumbledore. Why are you on speaking terms with _Gideon Prewett_?”

“I’ll tell you because I trust you.” Narcissa suspected Regulus hadn’t been in a lake of Inferi with the approval of the Dark Lord, and she needed him to admit that. The only way for Regulus to trust her was for her to trust him first. If Narcissa was reading the situation wrong, Regulus couldn’t hurt her for spying on the Death Eaters while he stayed in an Order safe house under the watch of Gideon.

Regulus nodded, so Narcissa continued, “please understand how delicate this situation is. I’ve been,” Narcissa took another deep breath, “I’ve been spying on Lucius and reporting to Sirius and Gideon.” 

Regulus blinked. He blinked again. “You’re a spy?”

“Yes. Now tell me why you were at the lake.”

Regulus told Narcissa about the Dark Lord’s mission for Kreacher and Regulus’s subsequent discovery that the Dark Lord had made a horcrux. “I thought I was going to die,” he ended the insane story with. “How did you find me?”

“Dobby took me after I dreamed of you dying,” Narcissa said dully. Her mind was consumed with thoughts of horcruxes. As children, Bella had once forced Narcissa to read a book on Dark Magic. Narcissa had not forgotten the horrifying description of Horcruxes. How could they ever defeat an immortal wizard who was so desperate for power that he made _horcruxes?_

“What do we do?” Narcissa whispered to Regulus. “If he made one horcrux, he definitely made more.” 

“I don’t have any plans. I thought I was going to drown in the lake.” The tremble in Regulus’s hands was the only outward sign that he was still affected by his experience. 

“Would you stay here and work with Dumbledore to destroy the horcruxes?” Narcissa asked. It was the only solution she could think of.

Regulus’s lip curled. “I don’t trust him.”

“Neither do I, but he will take the threat seriously and he has more resources than you do. I won’t let you roam across Britain tracking down evil objects by yourself.”

To stop Regulus from claiming he could destroy horcruxes on his own, Narcissa opened the door and ushered Gideon, Sirius, and Dumbledore back into the room. Regulus again explained the lake and the horcruxes, his tone monotonous. 

“Stop for a minute,” Gideon said. “What’s a horcrux?”

Narcissa explained what it was, causing Gideon to look properly disgusted. 

“Be grateful you didn’t grow up in a museum of dark objects,” Sirius said. 

“Hmmm,” Dumbledore steepled his fingers, “I have a plan. Regulus and I will work together to find the horcruxes,” Dumbledore said, making Regulus groan loudly. “Narcissa, your information will be invaluable to this mission.”

“I think I should work on my own,” Regulus argued. 

“No!” Sirius exclaimed. 

“You almost _died_ ,” Narcissa insisted. 

“Exactly,” Dumbledore agreed, looking pleased. “You will work with me, Regulus.”

Regulus stormed out. After the door slammed shut Narcissa said, “He’ll do it, you just need to give him a moment to think about it.”

* * *

The next time Narcissa met with Gideon, he affirmed that Regulus was living in the safe house and had started working with Dumbledore to track down Horcruxes. “They mentioned something about a ring,” he explained. while they sat next to each other on Gideon’s couch. Narcissa’s feet were tucked under her and she cradled a cup of tea in her lap. Gideon’s constant comments about Order missions and his addiction to caffeinated tea told Narcissa that he was as tired of war as she was.

Narcissa had already been exhausted by spying before Regulus’s revelation. Everyday Narcissa fell asleep beside Lucius, who she was actively gathering information on. When she wasn’t worrying about her own safety, she was worrying about Sirius, Andromeda, Gideon, and Regulus. 

Before she had saved Regulus, Narcissa had thought there would be an end to the war at some point. Now she knew the Dark Lord couldn’t die unless Regulus and Dumbledore followed an insane scavenger hunt based on scattered memories and a few clues. 

Narcissa’s insomnia had not improved with that revelation. For the last week she hadn’t been able to escape images of the Dark Lord making infinite horcruxes out of her mind. She couldn’t bear to scry in her crystal balls, fearing she would only see the Dark Lord ruling over wizarding society. The deeply Slytherin part of Narcissa screamed that she should attach herself to the winning side and spend more time with Lucius. 

Ashamed of her thoughts, Narcissa set down her tea mug. “This is too much, Gideon. The Dark Lord can’t die.”

“Narcissa, hey,” Gideon put his arm around Narcissa. She shifted position so her knees rested on his legs and she was hiding her face in his shoulder. “knowing about the horcruxes is good for us. Now we know for sure we can beat him. If anything, it makes You-Know-Who more human.”

Narcissa clenched her eyes shut, her forehead resting against the soft fabric of Gideon’s shirt. “He’s hardly human if you call him _You-Know-Who_.”

“Fine. _Voldemort_. Because of you and Regulus we know how to defeat Voldemort.”

Narcissa whispered her next sentence into Gideon’s shirt because she felt guilty about it. “What if we can’t. What if it’s not worth it?”

Gideon pulled her closer into his chest, so she was curled further into his lap. “I promise it’s worth it, but if you ever need a break, tell me. If you need to leave, you have a place here.”

For a moment Narcissa relaxed into the thought of leaving Lucius and the Manor. Having an escape plan was freeing. Narcissa tensed after she realized the place she felt most comfortable was with Gideon in his flat. Even crying into his shoulder felt natural.

Narcissa splayed her hand on Gideon’s chest. She had never been this close to a man who wasn’t Lucius. Unbidden, Narcissa wondered how kissing Gideon would feel different from kissing Lucius. She glanced up from his chest and saw Gideon watching her intently. She stared at his lips. Narcissa could so easily lean forward and kiss him. Her heart beat faster at the thought, but Narcissa didn’t move. When Gideon’s eyes met Narcissa’s she looked down. 

This was the man who comforted Narcissa every time she felt nervous about spying, who counseled her through her fears. For the past nine months he had been by her side. If Narcissa ruined her relationship with Gideon she would be devastated. Leveraging the hand on Gideon’s chest, Narcissa pushed away from him and out of his lap. “You’re right,” she said, reaching for her tea cup on the table. “I should get back to spying.”

* * *

Getting back to spying meant attending Regulus’s funeral, now that he was officially declared missing to the Death Eaters. 

At the funeral in Grimmauld Place, Narcissa posed the same question she had asked Gideon to Lucius: “What if it’s not worth it?”

Lucius gripped Narcissa’s forearm. “How dare you say that?”

“Regulus is dead,” Narcissa said, staring at Lucius’s grip. 

Lucius drew her closer to him. To the other people at the funeral it probably looked like he was comforting his wife. “Don’t disrespect his sacrifice.” 

Anger surged through Narcissa at Lucius’s lack of remorse. Narcissa had always practiced controlling her temper because she shied away from the destruction her sisters caused. Now she was so angry at Lucius that pure magic trembled through her. If this was how Bellatrix felt all the time no wonder she was so insane. 

“He is dead!” Narcissa repeated, louder now, shaking in Lucius’s grip. She opened her mouth to say more by her tongue stuck to the top of her mouth. Someone had hexed her.

Lucius and Narcissa looked over to see her father, Cygnus Black, striding towards them, leaving Druella to comfort the wailing Walburga. His wand was pointed at Narcissa. 

“You are embarrassing us, Narcissa,” Cgynus growled. Narcissa saw that the Dark Lord had just arrived at the funeral. “Lucius, I’ll set her straight.” 

Lucius’s bruising grip on Narcissa’s arm remained, but now his cold glare was directed at Narcissa’s father. Lucius flicked his own wand and Narcissa was able to speak again, her anger manifesting as a broken sob of frustration. Whenever she cried, Narcissa heard Bella’s voice in her head calling her a crybaby. As always, it made Narcissa’s tears come harder.

“Don’t bespell my wife, sir,” Lucius hissed at Cygnus. When they were first courting Narcissa admired Lucius because he was the only person who stood up to Cygnus Black. Narcissa had mistaken it for bravery when she was young, but as Lucius gripped Narcissa she knew his actions stemmed only from pride and possessiveness.

Narcissa remembered Gideon’s promise that if she needed to escape Malfoy Manor, she had a place with him. Narcissa closed her eyes and prepared to Apparate away, before she remembered why she had carefully planned this funeral when she knew Regulus was alive and healthy. Someone in the crowd must have information Narcissa could give to the Order. 

Narcissa took a deep breath, wiping away her tears. “Forgive me, Lucius. I don’t know what came over me. I shall go see if Aunt Walburga needs anything.” 

Only Bellatrix gave Narcissa information, and it was terrifying. 

“Don’t worry, little sister,” Bellatrix crooned, her sharp fingernails in Narcissa’s hand. “We’ll get our revenge for Regulus’s death. We have a spy in the Order.”

“Who?” Narcissa breathed. 

Bella clicked her tongue. “I would tell you to join us and find out, Cissa, but you’d be rather useless to us, wouldn’t you?”

Narcissa was the one who had planned the funeral, because Aunt Walburga was too distraught and every other Black thought they were too good to pick out flowers and arrange menus. Narcissa had sent out the invitations. Still, nothing Narcissa did would ever change Bella’s view that Narcissa was about as useful as a piece of silk. 

Narcissa shook off Bella’s hand. “Don’t pretend the Death Eaters have high standards. Crabbe almost cut his hand off a moment ago.” It was a dangerous thing to say when the Dark Lord was in the next room. 

Still, Bella threw back her head and laughed at the comment. Narcissa glared at the staring men in the room, their attention stolen by Bella’s laughter, their eyes tracing the outline of Bella’s figure. Men would leer at the Black sisters even at their cousin’s funeral. It made Narcissa want to jump out of her skin.

“Sometimes you remind me that we are related,” Bella chuckled. It was not a pleasant sound. 

Her hand gripped Narcissa’s arm, where Lucius had left bruises. Narcissa winced. Bella narrowed her eyes and hissed in Narcissa’s ear. “If Lucius hurts you again I’ll kill him, you understand? The Malfoys are pretentious upstarts compared to us.”

Unsettled, Narcissa looked into Bella’s grey eyes and nodded. The first rule of being a Black was that the only people allowed the privilege of hurting you were other Blacks. 

That night, when Narcissa calmed her nerves enough to write in her notebook that there was a spy in the Order, she didn’t feel useless. This information was vital for the Order to know.

Yet over the next few months Narcissa grew increasingly frustrated that she had no idea who the spy in the Order was, especially because Gideon and Sirius started to doubt there was a spy at all. They didn’t want to suspect any of their friends of betraying them. Dumbledore and Regulus didn’t help Narcissa, because their attention was focused on tracking down more horcruxes. 

When Sirius visited Narcissa during one of her meetings with Gideon he expressed surprise that Dumbledore and Regulus worked so well together. 

“They found two or three more horcruxes,” Sirius said as he dealt out cards for Exploding Snap. “I thought Regulus would poison Dumbles out of frustration first.”

“That’s the last thing we need,” Narcissa muttered, looking at the hand she had been dealt.

“What were the other horcruxes?” Gideon asked.

“They got some ring and a tiara thing. Regulus thinks Bella has one in her vault. He also thinks Lucius might have hidden one in Malfoy Manor.

“Lucius allowed one of those things in our house?” Narcissa snarled. She made a mental note to learn how to destroy horcruxes.

Sirius put his first card on the table. “Are you surprised? You’re the one who married the bastard.”

“And I’m clearly so devoted to him,” Narcissa said dryly. “Gideon, play your card.” 

Narcissa was very pleased when the cards exploded in Sirius’s face. 

The next day she rigged a piece of amazonite stone to a pendulum. After spelling the pendulum, she held the pendulum chain in one hand and allowed the amazonite to dangle above her flat palm. 

Deliberately imagining finding the horcrux, Narcissa followed the pendulum’s movements into the library of Malfoy Manor and to a tall bookshelf in the back. Narcissa could feel the dark magic emanating from the area. She rarely went to this corner of the library, which was filled with books on Malfoy family genealogy, so she had not noticed the evil aura earlier. 

After hours of methodically searching the bookshelf, Narcissa found a hollow tome with a thin black book inside. Its pages were blank, making it look like a diary, but Narcissa didn’t dare write in it. She put it back in the bookshelf. Once Narcissa decided to run away from Malfoy Manor she would take it, but she didn’t want to make Lucius suspicious before that.


	5. November 1979 - January 1980

For the past week Narcissa had suffered through strange dreams about Dolohov leading Death Eaters through the woods. Narcissa woke after those dreams paralyzed with inexplicable fear. The tea leaves only warned of danger and the tarot cards were similarly obscure. Narcissa had combed again through her notes and Lucius’s mail. Nothing clicked until she wore a stunning new pale pink dress to dinner and plied Lucius with his favorite Bordeaux wine. 

Over chocolate mousse dessert Lucius was drunk enough to spill wine on the table cloth and to boast of his plans to lure the Prewett brothers into a trap. He plannned on getting rid of the horrid blood-traitors. Narcissa’s hand trembled so badly she needed to spell the stain away five times. 

“Will you be gone this weekend?” Narcissa asked.

Lucius’s hand crept up her thigh. “No. I only planned the trap. Antonin is doing it tonight.”

Narcissa disguised her choking sob by taking her first sip of wine. “Oh. I’m glad you’ll be here.” 

Lucius smiled and took her hand. “I’ve been looking forward to it.” 

Narcissa squeezed his hand. “Shall we celebrate with some port? I’ll get some.” 

Narcissa went to the liquor bottle and drew out a bottle of port her father had gifted Lucius for his birthday. She poured two glasses and whispered a charm Aunt Cassiopeia had taught her over one. The charmed glass went to Lucius. 

“Cheers,” Narcissa said, raising her glass, “to an evening with my love.” 

Lucius’s eyes held hers as he took a sip of wine. His intentions were clear in his gaze on her bosom and clearer still in the motion of his hand on the open back of Narcissa’s dress. 

“You are always a delight, my dear. I fear I’ve been neglecting you these past weeks.”

Narcissa was practiced in this type of dance. Her smile was sultry. “You can make it up to me.”

Lucius fell asleep half way to the bedroom, as planned by Narcissa’s spell, so she levitated him to the bedroom and put him on the bed. She wrote a quick note telling him she had gone on a walk in the gardens in the unlikely event he woke up, and immediately Apparated to Gideon’s flat.

He was in the living room.

“You’re here, thank Merlin,” Narcissa sobbed, pressing a hand to her chest. She looked up to the ceiling, hoping gravity would stop her tears of relief from falling. She didn’t notice Gideon standing up until he was hugging her, his shirt mopping up her tears.

“What’s wrong?” He murmured, one warm hand against the bare skin of her back, the other hand tipping her chin so she looked up at him. 

Narcissa thought about the trap Lucius had told her about not even half an hour earlier, how Lucius’s hand had recently been in the same spot Gideon’s now was. Gideon’s hand was warm and comforting on her back, whereas Lucius’s had been cold. The realization that Narcissa had drugged her husband only to Apparate here and fall into Gideon’s embrace was overwhelming. 

Narcissa sprang away from Gideon.

Concern deepened the perpetual exhaustion on Gideon’s face. “Narcissa?”

Narcissa’s hands fluttered to her silk skirt. She was still senseless with panic. “It’s a trap, Gideon. Your patrol tonight. Sweet Salazar, I knew something was wrong I just didn’t know what was wrong. I should’ve talked to Lucius and figured it out sooner. I’m so _stupid_ and not good at all this running around, and now I’ve nearly let you walk into your death!” 

Her words came out in a rush, nothing like the eloquent ennunciation her mother had drilled into her. 

“Narcissa.” Gideon reached out to touch her arm, but Narcissa jerked away, making Gideon frown. “Narcissa, sit down.”

Narcissa sat down on the sofa. Gideon dragged a chair from the dining table and placed it across from Narcissa. He sat down as well, leaning forward, but carefully leaving space between them.

“Tell me what’s going on.” Gideon’s unflappable calm eased Narcissa’s erratic breathing. 

Narcissa couldn’t look at him, so she stared at her hands. “I’ve been having dreams I couldn’t make sense of, and I couldn’t see anything amiss in Lucius’s notes. So I sat him down for dinner tonight and he told me Dolohov and some others were going to use the evening to kill you and Fabian on your patrol tonight. I drugged Lucius to sleep and came here.” 

“Merlin.” Narcissa flicked her eyes up to see Gideon massaging his temple. She looked back down to her trembling hands. “There has to be a spy, for them to know our patrol schedule,” he said.

Narcissa nodded. 

Gideon and Sirius hadn’t been convinced there was a spy, even after Narcissa told them that if she could betray Lucius and Bellatrix, someone in the Order could also sell them out. Narcissa was glad Gideon now understood there was a spy, although the prospect made Narcissa’s usual anxiety transform into paranoia. 

“I have to tell Fabian and Dumbledore,” Gideon said, urgency now overriding the shock in his tone. He stood up, the chair scraping backwards and took one step away before pausing. 

“Thank you, Narcissa. You’ve likely saved my life and Fabian’s life.”

“I should’ve figured it out earlier,” Narcissa said. She had believed Gideon was as good as dead and it was her fault. When Narcissa had Apparated into Gideon’s flat she had feared Gideon and Fabian had already gone on their ill-fated patrol.

“Stop that. You told us in time, so thank you. If you haven’t accepted my thanks by the time I’ve finished my fire-call, we’ll be having a horrible argument.”

Narcissa grudgingly accepted Gideon’s thanks, but after Gideon told her the new plan her primary emotion was fear. Fabian, Gideon, and Dumbledore had created a cunning plan that Narcissa would have admired if only it wasn’t Gideon deciding to run into a trap. 

They had decided that Gideon and Fabian would still go on the patrol in northern England, but they would bring extra duelists with them. Dumbledore hoped they could trap the people trying to trap them. 

After telling Narcissa of the plans, Gideon said he needed to Floo to Fabian’s flat and finalize the details with him in the last hour they had before patrol was set to start. 

“You’ll need to go back to the Manor?” He asked as they stood by the fireplace. 

“I should,” Narcissa agreed. It would be foolhardy to stay, but Narcissa couldn’t leave. “But Lucius should be asleep until morning.”

“Stay here,” Gideon said quickly. 

Narcissa touched his forearm. “I know you’ve been on plenty of dangerous missions, but stay safe. Please.”

Gideon smiled weakly. “I’ll try my best. Make yourself at home here.” He squeezed her hand before stepping into the Floo. 

Narcissa pressed the hand Gideon had held against her chest. She was alone in his flat for the first time. She had no clue what do with herself, except to ponder the enormity of trust Gideon had implicitly given her by believing her story about the patrol and by leaving her in his flat. Narcissa felt dizzy, so she sat back down on the couch. There was a book on defensive charms on the coffee table that Narcissa picked up but didn’t read. 

The hours gave Narcissa time to think and time to crave Gideon’s presence. She wished she hadn’t lept out of his embrace when he hugged her earlier. Leaving her heels on the floor by the couch, Narcissa decided to make a cup of tea and piece of toast to calm her rampaging nerves. She was carefully spreading butter on the toast when the Floo flared up. Butter knife in hand, Narcissa turned around to see Gideon striding towards her, grinning enormously.

“You splendid girl!” He shouted. “It went brilliantly!” 

Always effusive, Gideon hugged her. Narcissa breathed in his familiar scent. It wasn’t enough. Narcissa gripped his shirt and pressed a shocking kiss on Gideon’s mouth. The sensation of his lips jolted through Narcissa.

Gideon responded immediately, putting one hand on Narcissa’s jaw, tenderly guiding her to a better angle. Narcissa tasted the sharp adrenaline on his tongue and wondered if he tasted the pure relief on hers. This was salvation to her exhaustion and distress.

Absorbed in the sensation of Gideon’s tongue swiping her bottom lip, Narcissa dropped the butter knife, making them both twitch. 

Narcissa drew away. She needed to see Gideon’s face. She spied his dazed expression before he greedily chased her lips. He was alive and solid and kissing Narcissa as if she might disapear at any moment.

“Narcissa,” Gideon breathed out, his mouth moving to her neck and one hand now cupping her breast through the thin silk dress. His fingers brushed her sensitive nipple, causing Narcissa to arch against him. 

A moan built in Narcissa’s chest. “Please, Gideon,” she said breathlessly, certain of her words and knowing exactly what she was asking for. 

Gideon paused, putting aching space between them. Narcissa’s heart lurched.

Her fears dissipated when Gideon said in a strangled voice, “Merlin, Narcissa, you have to mean this. It has to be real.”

Narcissa had spent the last hours realizing how much she needed this to happen. With one hand she hooked her leg over Gideon’s hip so her dress rode up. She drew Gideon’s hand to the juncture of her thighs. She could feel his arousal as surely as he could now touch hers through her knickers. “Tell me this isn’t real, Gideon.”

“Sweetheart,” he said against her sensitive skin. “You’re sure?”

“Please,” she repeated, whining when Gideon’s teeth nipped her collarbone. His thumb circled her clit, the friction through the lace intoxicating. Narcissa lifted her thigh higher to give him more access, leaning back into the counter for balance.

“Good girl,” Gideon murmured, unfairly coherent when Narcissa couldn’t form any thought beyond acknowledging that she was now in heaven. “You’re so goddamn beautiful, Narcissa, always have been.” 

Narcissa dug her fingernails into Gideon’s shoulder. He didn’t pause his fast praises. The sweet words were as arousing as his fingers that had pushed her knickers to the side and slipped inside of her. Narcissa clutched Gideon as he guided her through sensation after sensation. 

When Narcissa felt her body couldn’t hold more extravagant desire, Gideon said, “You remember when we hid from McGonogall in the hallway?”

“I remember,” Narcissa panted. “Gideon, don’t stop.”

Amusement tinged his deep voice. “There’s no way I’m stopping. That night, when I got back to my dorm after feeling your pretty tits right against me I wanked myself silly. You still wear the same perfume. It drives me,” Gideon punctuated these words with a scrape of teeth against the skin by her ear, “insane.”

Narcissa convulsed as the months of built up pressure between her and Gideon climaxed. Gideon’s hold kept her standing as she collapsed limp and boneless against him. None of Narcissa’s recent fantasies as she tried to fall asleep compared to the reality of Gideon’s mouth on hers and his fingers inside of her.

Still propped between the counter and Gideon, Narcissa found her voice. “You remember when we hid behind the tapestry?”

“Is that embarrassing?” Gideon asked, flashing a self-deprecating grin. “I had a dreadful crush on you and then we were hiding in a nook only meant for one person.”

Narcissa giggled, grateful for this moment of humor. “Really? You fancied me?”

Gideon pinched her waist. “Don’t laugh. I had to keep thinking of horrible things so you wouldn’t feel my hard-on.” Now, Gideon’s erection was insistent against Narcissa’s stomach.

Narcissa smiled. “I kept noticing that I was a good height to kiss you. I wanted to hex myself for thinking that.”

“You were right.” Gideon kissed her, just a gentle press of his lips. Their heights did suit each other.

Narcissa ran her fingertips along his jaw.“I want to fuck you now.”

Gideon’s exclaimed, “fucking Merlin, Narcissa,” was all she needed to slip out of her knickers, pull her dress up past her waist in one hand and brace herself with the other hand against the counter so her arse was bared to Gideon. Narcissa was very efficient when she wanted something. 

Back arched, Narcissa peeked over her shoulder to see Gideon hurriedly dropping his pants. “I’m waiting,” she giggled, wriggling her bum. 

Gideon swatted playfully at her. “You’re dangerous, you know that?”

Afterwards, Narcissa and Gideon perched on the counter and split the now cold toast. Narcissa’s radiating contentment as she rested her head on Gideon’s shoulder was at odds with her certainty that she needed to return to Malfoy Manor. The thought of Lucius made Narcissa’s stomach curdle. 

She put down her toast. 

“I need to go.”

“Stay here. I can promise more toast, and even sex in my bed.” 

Narcissa found Gideon’s words words a confusing mix of flippant and heavily sincere, so she responded in kind. “More toast, Gideon? That’s quite the offer.”

Narcissa slid off the counter, but Gideon guided her to stand between his legs. “I mean it, Narcissa,” he said, completely serious now.

Narcissa avoided his gaze even as she leaned into his touch. “You know I have to go back,” she said lowly.

Gideon tensed. “Why did you kiss me?” 

Narcissa stepped away from Gideon’s hard voice, which was at odds with the tenderness she had shared with him only moments ago. She found her wand on the counter and started to charm away the wrinkles in her dress. “I was relieved you were alive.”

Gideon watched her with narrowed eyes, his fingers clenched along the edge of the counter. “So that’s it then. We needed to fuck to make sure I hadn’t been blasted to pieces in the woods by the people you chat with at dinner.”

“My dinner conversation just saved your bloody life!”

Gideon sneered. “Admit you’ve finally realized your husband is an asshole so you turned to me to make you feel less lonely.”

Narcissa tilted her head to the ceiling, feeling heat build up in her cheeks. Narcissa needed to leave before she burst into tears. “Right now you’re the asshole, Gideon.”

After Apparating, Narcissa landed in her greenhouse by a planter of chamomile flowers, hand on her stomach as she soothed her nerves after the jarring argument. Barefoot because her heels were still at Gideon’s, Narcissa knelt down and inhaled the light scent. She tried to focus on the touch of the stems under her fingertips to keep herself from crying. 

Dobby found Narcissa in the garden a half-hour later. 

“Mistress,” he squeaked. “There’s being visitors and I can’t wake up the Mister Malfoy.”  
Narcissa froze. Visitors meant nothing good. She clenched the chamomile stems she had picked and Apparated into the bedroom. Lucius was still sleeping. Narcissa whispered _rennervate_ and he woke up. 

“Darling?” He murmured, obviously confused. 

Narcissa forced herself to place a gentle hand on his shoulder, painfully feeling as if it corrupted the memory of Gideon’s touch. 

“You fell asleep after dinner, Lucius. I’m sorry to wake you, but Dobby said there’s visitors here.” 

“Visitors?” 

Narcissa shrugged innocently. “I’m not sure who. I came directly from the greenhouse to wake you up.” She lifted her stalks of chamomile for Lucius to see. 

Groaning, Lucius sat up. He brushed a strand of hair behind Narcissa’s ear. It made Narcissa’s skin crawl. 

“I’ll go send them off.” 

Narcissa got off the bed. “Thank you. I’m going to take a bath.”

An hour later, Lucius found Narcissa in the bath. Narcissa had avoided putting her usual scented oils in the bath after smelling the lavendar made her nauseous, but

mountains of bubbles still covered everything below her neck. Her long hair was piled on top of her head. 

Narcissa drew her knees to her chest. “Who were the visitors, Lucius?”

Lucius’s expression was even more cold and drawn than usual. He perched carefully on the edge of the clawfoot tub and reached his hand to Narcissa’s cheek. She brushed his hand aside. 

“What happened?”

Lucius frowned, returning his hand to his lap. “Rodolphus and the Dark Lord were here.”

“What?” Narcissa gasped. Surely if she had been found out she wouldn’t be allowed to lounge in the bath.

“Our trap failed.”

Narcissa relaxed. That made much more sense. 

“We don’t know what happened, but Antonin and Greyback are dead.”

“They’re dead?” Narcissa stuttered. Gideon had been more focused on Narcissa than on telling her the details of the mission.

Lucius rubbed a hand on his face. “We lost two good men. The funeral is next weekend.”

Narcissa stared at him. Surely Lucius knew that Dolohov and Greyback were worse than maggots. Their demeaning language was no secret and every time they visited the Manor they bragged about the people they had gruesomely killed while putting their hands on Narcissa.

“It’s a real loss,” Lucius said, incomprehensibly sincere.

Narcissa sank deeper into the tub, the water coming to just below her chin. She wondered what would she be doing now if she had taken Gideon’s offer to abandon Lucius and stay with him. She certainly wouldn’t be listening to Gideon call two lewd monsters good men. 

Narcissa breathed out, closing her eyes. “I’m in shock.”

Her eyes flew open when she felt Lucius’s hand against her wet shoulder. 

“Perhaps I should comfort you.”. 

Narcissa tensed. “Darling, I’m tired.”

Lucius’s eyes narrowed, his hand still cold on her shoulder. “Are you angry I fell asleep earlier? I don’t know how that happened.”

Narcissa placed his offending hand on the edge of the tub. “Of course I’m not angry. I just don’t feel like it.”

“Narcissa.”

Her voice dropped in temperature. “They’re dead, Lucius. I don’t find that particularly romantic.”

“Fine.” Lucius stiffly stood up. 

When the door to the bathroom closed Narcissa leaned her head against the edge of the tub. Narcissa had thought Gideon was as good as dead when Lucius told her about the trap at dinner. A few hours ago she had fucked a very much alive Gideon in his kitchen, and now her husband was distressed that Dolohov and Greyback were dead. Narcissa needed someone to talk to, but she could hardly Apparate back to Gideon’s apartment, even if he wanted to see her. The force of holding back her tears made Narcissa tremble, creating tiny ripples in the bubbles surrounding her.

**Author's Note:**

> I'll be posting chapters weekly. Enjoy and tell me what you think!


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